Happy New Year!
I typically do very little in the week between Christmas and New Year and this year was no different. I ate too much, drank too much, slept a wonderful amount and spent the entire time with family. It’s also the first Christmas day I’ve spent with Gary, we woke at home, went to my families then boxing day and went to Gary’s family. It was lovely.
It was a weird one really, after Fluff died before Christmas, our house lost all festivity. We no longer turned on the Christmas lights and I broke a tradition of mine to decorate Christmas cakes as I simply didn’t want to. Feeling down overtook feeling festive for several days and we moved my sister in whilst we were away to keep Patch company as I panicked for him being on his own so soon. The break away from the house did me good, when we came home last Friday I knew Fluff wouldn’t be here. It was weird and there still is a gaping hole where her playfulness would make us smile and keep her brother on his toes but it doesn’t feel so raw. We’ll miss her, pets are a great gift in life, they love us unconditionally and give us so much more than we could ever give to them.
OCD naturally attacked, was I grieving too much? Too sad? Not sad enough? Talking about it too much? People are bored, stop talking, you’re being stupid. It gets everywhere, even grief, when I’m angry at the stranger that killed my little one, when I’m sad I’ll never cuddle her again, OCD attacks. It’s a cruelty but it offered me some comfort, being as sad as I was it provided a sense of sick evidence that I’m not for the moment the psychopath I so frequently fear I could be.
Looking forward, I start the year dry, January always is a mostly dry month for me. It’s proof to my self that I can do it. I’m currently anxious about it, 2 days in and I’m worried I won’t make it but I’ll persevere. It’s the only way to get through it.
I’m always happy to chat and if you would like to, please see the ‘Contact’ tab, however I am not a mental health professional and if you would like this support please see the ‘Support’ tab.