A Perpetual State

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, namely because I haven’t had the time. January passed in a blur, with the full throttle of wedding planning, work being a constant state of manic, running everyday for Mind and needing to eat and sleep in that time. January soon rushed me by and the year seemed to be off to a flying start. Therapy is also kicking in, we’re tackling the main compulsion I have, avoidance. If anything is difficult or makes me feel uncomfortable my immediate reaction is to flee, run as far in the opposite direction as possible. This stems from an acute sense of failure, of letting people down and if I run, I’m in control of that, I’m failing but on my own terms. Needless to say it’s not a lifetime strategy and difficult things in life need to be dealt with as they aren’t just going to go away if I ignore them, in fact they tend to get worse.

Now, like I said the year was going well, I was forcing myself to do the things I was avoiding and the sky didn’t fall. But it fell a different way all the same.

My nan, 82, and other than a dodgy knee and slight forgetfulness was a fine bill of health, I saw her every other week for tea and cake as she excitedly asked about my wedding, future children, nieces, my sister’s new house and only last Thursday I was talking to my dad about her being a witness at my wedding and seeing her Sunday. Roll around Friday, February and a phone call informing me of nan’s heart attack. I’ve never asked someone to repeat something out of shock but I couldn’t believe it. I went to the hospital, sat there with family as we waited for a few hours for sporadic information. It seems a quick eternity, we were seen for a total of 15 minutes over about 6 hours but we weren’t angry, we knew the doctors were busy and would be doing what they could. Finally, I got to see her, give her a kiss and tell her I loved her, hopeful, forever hopeful all would be fine, it had to be, she would live to 94, that’s what she had always said. Went home, slept and waited some more and over the day news came, it wasn’t good and that evening, I was informed she was no longer with us.

Since then, I’ve felt every emotion, currently in disbelief, a bad dream, can’t be true. Not my nan, she was superwoman, so proud and strong, it’s one cruel joke and I can’t bring myself to correct it. I’m exhausted, I’ve slept for about 10 hours a night, wake up like I’ve not slept at all, my brain a fog and I can’t comprehend how the world just carries on, how they can’t understand the magnitude of what’s happened, why are they ok?

I know after losing Fluff at Christmas it will be a matter of time before OCD grabs hold, tell me I’m grieving too much, too little. People are bored of me talking about it, people have it worse and I should just get on with it. In a sick way, I’m looking forward to it, I want something else to go on in my head, instead of this perpetual state of exhaustion and what should have been.

I’m always happy to chat and if you would like to reach out, please see the ‘Contact’ tab, however I am not a mental health professional and if you would like this support please see the ‘Support’ tab.