I started a new job this week, I’ve been dreading it, not only way I required to get up early, but also drive for 4 hours a day, meet new people, and I was panicking about fitting everything in. I’m in Sales, a very people focussed job for someone not great at people in my private life but work wise I’m great at it.
So anyway, first, sleep, I have a love hate relationship with sleep, I’ve mentioned it before that I struggle with it if I need to get up early as my brain panics. What if we don’t get up? What if we look tired? What if we’re late? So the answer, panic for weeks then don’t sleep. I use herbal sleeping tablets and if I really hate myself, alcohol, which I did this week and managed a solid 3 hours sleep. So I was shattered, drove without trouble and started my new job. I panic, who will I meet, will they like me, will I be any good? Everyone I met was genuinely lovely and the day passed by quickly, drove home relieved, but anxiety crept in again and I think I managed 5 hours sleep. Got up, drove, accident meant I was late in which I felt terribly guilty for, did my day and drove home to a terrible run and the start of a cold. The next day I worked from home as did I today.
I’m already worried though, it’s a different kind of sales, one I’ve not done before and whilst I know 4 days in I’m not going to be outstanding at it but I’m worried I’ll be shit. It’s requiring me to be outstandingly organised and I usually am. Anal in fact, everything is packed, organised and sorted, we never run out of things at home and everything gets done. However my head is running away with me, fear I’ll be rubbish and if I’m rubbish I’ll just stop.
I needed to change jobs, the last one didn’t suit me, didn’t motivate me, just wasn’t me. I’m already enjoying this more but I don’t want to mess it up!
In other news, I turned a year older last weekend and you’d think I would have rang it in happily. Well no, I rang it in more than a little upset. Earlier that night we’d been out for my sister-in-laws birthday, I’d been surrounded by her skinny, attractive, fashionable friends, I simply felt fat and frumpy, why didn’t I look like that? Why didn’t I have the body confidence I was promised in my late twenties? We then got home and I realised I’d lost my make-up bag, I was pissed, pissed I was useless enough to lose it and pissed about how much money had just been chucked down the drain. I felt ugly, fat, useless and poor, then the clock chimes midnight, my birthday hits and I feel old. Cue over an hour of sobbing, crap sleep and waking before 6 to feel just as shit. The day got better but what a start!
My feelings have been all over the place recently, made me irritable, snappy and frankly fed up! Made worse by spending my Friday night cleaning the house which no one enjoys! Hoping it will better, hoping!
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