What If?

What if? What if? What if?

Possibly my most used phrase, that and how do you know?

Why do I say it? It’s the phrase that enters my head if I’m trying to disprove a thought, my brain goes ‘yea, but what if you are? What if we didn’t check? What if we didn’t avoid that child? What if we are alone?’

I’ll explain, I’ve previously mentioned that OCD is centred around intrusive thoughts, thoughts of harm and danger to ourselves and others. These thoughts may be one in a billion chance, but what if, we were that one? It would be careless to not do something about it right?

For example, taking myself here, I have never, ever, knowingly and purposefully harmed a child, never, nor an adult. It’s just not in my current nature. However, I also know I have done things in my past that I knew at the time were wrong, I also know I have changed since I was a child, a teen and a young adult. Now, who is to say, with 100% certainty that I would never, ever knowingly and purposefully harm a child in the future? You can’t. You simply can’t, no one knows what the future holds and whilst in my current state I would never do anything, there could be a million things that could happen that would lead me to be the person that could.

I’m not a special case, I’m not unusual in this. All of you, every single one of you, cannot say that statement in all honesty, difference between me and you, you have learnt to accept that you live in the grey, you cannot predict the future and that you can live life with this haze of uncertainty, you’ve probably not even thought about it. Oh how I envy you.

I cannot, or could not, I should say, I’m better at it now, live in the grey. I know with every fibre of my being I do not want to be the kind of person who would harm a child. I could ask every person that knows me and they would agree I am not currently, nor could they reasonably predict that I would not become that kind of person.

But what if I do? What if I am that person and I’m just waiting for a trigger exactly the same as how OCD was triggered? What if OCD is just an excuse I’m using to make people think I’m really a safe person so they don’t get suspicious? What if I stop trying to prove these thoughts wrong, does that mean they’re true? What if they are? What if everyone was wrong? And the mind circles, until you come to the exhausted conclusion, that you should continue to act as though the thought is true and make certain it doesn’t come true.

I’m not a mental health professional, if you would like this support, please see the ‘Support’ tab, or if you’d like a chat, feel free to leave a comment or reach out via the ‘Contact’ tab.

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