Or at least, that’s how I feel most of the time.
I was a popular child, albeit a massive tomboy that surrounded myself with boys but friends all the same and throughout school I was invited to all the parties. I then hit sixth form and met my first ‘proper’ boyfriend and I did what many girls do at that age which is become obsessed with that person, and I slowly lost my friends. We split at uni and I met a new boy which luckily I wasn’t as obsessed with and I gained some close friends I still have today a decade later.
However, the reason for the title, the friends I have, I’m constantly concerned we’re not actually good friends. It feels like I’m always starting the conversation and making the effort, it’s probably not true but that’s how it feels. I still get invited to parties, dinners and social occasions but hello OCD and depression.
If I’m ever with friends I’m constantly evaluating how I’m acting, too loud, too quiet, rude, why would you say that? No one laughed, you’re not funny, just go home, no one wants you here, stop trying so hard, no one is bothered.
It means I’m incredibly anxious when I see people that I overthink every little interaction, how often I get interrupted, do people look bored? Brain constantly telling me they don’t like me, it’s why I don’t get many likes on Instagram or many texts, no one likes me.
I’m incredibly jealous of my partner Gary, he has had the same 2 best friends for most of his life, they’ve grown up together and have a bond that you simply can’t make as an adult. I don’t have this, I still talk to people I went to school with but rarely and politely. Not conversations scattered with in-jokes and a lifetime of memories. I understand friendships are very different as an adult, life gets in the way and you’ll never speak as much or see each other as much as you would do as a child. Just would be nice to have an interaction with someone without overthinking every second!
I’m nice, I really am, I am actually too nice, I promise, so why does no one like me?
If you would like to talk feel free to reach out on my ‘Contacts’ tab, however, I am not a mental health professional and if you would like professional help, please see the ‘Support’ tab.