I have no friends

Or at least, that’s how I feel most of the time.

I was a popular child, albeit a massive tomboy that surrounded myself with boys but friends all the same and throughout school I was invited to all the parties. I then hit sixth form and met my first ‘proper’ boyfriend and I did what many girls do at that age which is become obsessed with that person, and I slowly lost my friends. We split at uni and I met a new boy which luckily I wasn’t as obsessed with and I gained some close friends I still have today a decade later.

However, the reason for the title, the friends I have, I’m constantly concerned we’re not actually good friends. It feels like I’m always starting the conversation and making the effort, it’s probably not true but that’s how it feels. I still get invited to parties, dinners and social occasions but hello OCD and depression.

If I’m ever with friends I’m constantly evaluating how I’m acting, too loud, too quiet, rude, why would you say that? No one laughed, you’re not funny, just go home, no one wants you here, stop trying so hard, no one is bothered.

It means I’m incredibly anxious when I see people that I overthink every little interaction, how often I get interrupted, do people look bored? Brain constantly telling me they don’t like me, it’s why I don’t get many likes on Instagram or many texts, no one likes me.

I’m incredibly jealous of my partner Gary, he has had the same 2 best friends for most of his life, they’ve grown up together and have a bond that you simply can’t make as an adult. I don’t have this, I still talk to people I went to school with but rarely and politely. Not conversations scattered with in-jokes and a lifetime of memories. I understand friendships are very different as an adult, life gets in the way and you’ll never speak as much or see each other as much as you would do as a child. Just would be nice to have an interaction with someone without overthinking every second!

I’m nice, I really am, I am actually too nice, I promise, so why does no one like me?

If you would like to talk feel free to reach out on my ‘Contacts’ tab, however, I am not a mental health professional and if you would like professional help, please see the ‘Support’ tab.

6 thoughts on “I have no friends

  1. I don’t have any friends either, I actually rarely leave the house except to go to Wal-Mart and Kroger or the library so as you can imagine, I’m incredibly isolated. I had two friends as a teenager but my brother ended up deciding to befriend them and I backed off, I saw one of them briefly about a month ago and I haven’t seen the other in probably a year. For the most part I can occupy myself on a day-to-day basis and of course I have my family but I sometimes get really lonely. People say being lonely is a part of life but this seems excessive. :/

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    1. You have me 🙂 I’ve found the blogging community incredibly supportive and as many of us have this thing in common, we’ll always have something to talk about. As you may feel lonely, but you are never alone.

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      1. Thanks. 🙂 I don’t really know anybody who has OCD, so it’s nice to be able to talk to someone who actually knows what the condition is like. Most people think it consists primarily of a bunch of handwashing. I’m hoping to reconnect with at least one of my old friends in the near future, I think my brother has decided they’re kind of immature because he hasn’t really been speaking to them much lately and he prefers to game with a new group of friends. One of the problems is that I’m not a gamer, and they’re not writers, so they just find my brother a bit more relatable I guess. 😛

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      2. All three of us really like movies, I haven’t been watching as many lately (I used to watch a movie almost every day) but back when Toni, Jay, and I hung out together I would generally pick a movie for us to watch. It was hard to get them to have an opinion, they generally just let me choose. I got them to watch a lot of really strange and off-the-grid films that way. 😛 Other than that, I don’t think either of them are really readers and we don’t have much in common as far as musical taste, so I guess our interests don’t cross over that much.

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      3. Movies is enough though, my brother has a cinema pass and he and his friends go every week to see something, anything. Gets them out and they’ve seen some things they never would have otherwise.

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