Holiday blues

So been a few days since I posted, I’ve had a long weekend away in Wales and it was the most incredible time. We spotted dolphins, went on the fastest zip wire in the world, climbed Snowdon, saw pretty little villages and bounced on giant trampolines in caves. Couple this with so much ice cream, too much food, too much sun and too much drink then you have the makings of a perfect weekend. We had an amazing time, really did not want to come back. But back I am and back to work.

I’ve always found holidays tricky as they fill me with a constant state of anxiety. I pack at least a week before and several times to ensure I won’t forget anything and I’m a ball of stress the week before ensuring everything is done. House cleaned, clothes washed, cats sorted, everyone knows of travel plans like it’s some grand adventure and not 4 days in Wales.

I also don’t like booking holidays, it fuels my anxiety around money. I’ve always stressed about money, concerned I would run out and end up homeless living on the streets, despite all my better judgements of knowing this is unlikely the thoughts still persist. My reaction I don’t spend money, then I miss out, get annoyed and go on a spending spree resulting in guilt and anxiety leading to no spending. It’s resulted in me being very good with money, probably too good as I don’t wish to fritter money away on pointless things. This means to get me to actually book a holiday is no mean feat.

When I’m on holiday I’m all gung ho, you’d be forgiven for thinking I own all of the money in the world then I get back and the guilt starts and the spending reigned in. All because I’m anxious. It takes me a few hours to settle into it but I enjoy the break from real life and as such, the relief from anxiety as I get to be someone else for a few days. The last day, the anxiety kicks back in, getting home, will we get home ok? Have the cats survived? Run off? Is the family ok? Back to work, will I have been fired due to someone unknown instance in my 2 day absence? I fret all the way home and am flooded with the break of anxiety has the dam of reality breaks and it all goes back to normal.

I remember my anxiety about money starting, I was 16 thinking about driving and university with barely a penny to my name. I panicked, started working more hours, not going out and taking loose change from around the house. I’m not proud of it and it’s not an excuse but I was fuelled by fear. Fuelled by ending up on the streets. Now my family would never allow this nor would I get myself in that situation but anxiety does crazy things. Throughout uni I must have been the only student who left with more money each term as I saved my loans instead of going out. This anxiety has stayed with me, I’m much better at managing it, it actually stopped me moving out of my mum’s for years, didn’t want to see my savings disappear would rather live at home forever than give in to the anxiety.

Things change though, priorities change and you slowly learn to manage it. Gary and I bought our house last year and it was months of anxiety but I’m much happier now. For all those crazy days I want to go on a spending spree I have the one week rule, if it isn’t necessary then I have to wait a week, if I still want it, I get it. Stops me feeling guilty and reduces unnecessary purchases just because!

These things all take time, years in my case but it gets easier!

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